Oh, the smell of Pumpkin Spice coffee this morning is like a pair of fuzzy slippers, warm and inviting.  I feel the chill of the morning after slipping out of our warm bed. But he’s still sleeping and that’s good. He needs the rest and it gives me the time that I claim for my own to share my thoughts. How I love this time of mine.

Before I sat down to write, I glanced at my calendar to plan my day. It’s a recurring set of circumstances that I find myself in. I have piled much, maybe too much, on my plate this December 3, 2020. I looked at the list of things to be accomplished in this day and I can feel that squeeze of pressure…that I’ve put on myself! My heart beats a little faster, my breaths get quicker, my foot starts tapping, and I think of short cuts that I could take to get to the heavy lifting to make SURE it’s all DONE by the day’s end. Wow!  Look what I can do to myself just by imposing unreasonable expectations.

Not so long ago I would’ve forgone my writing time and traded it for taking something from my list of things to do. I wouldn’t have tasted this amazing coffee nor would I be wiggling my toes in these fuzzy, warm slippers.  I wouldn’t be looking at the Christmas lights, just outside, as they glow beneath the frost, reminding me that it’s going to be just fine. I would’ve missed the school bus carrying all of my neighbor’s children to one of the last school days before their Christmas vacation. I wouldn’t have even noticed my very fat Chihuahua stretched out by the fire or my even fatter Bella, curled up in her foam bed, as she dreams of chasing something she has yet to catch.

Yes, I’ll have to scratch a few things from my list today. Yesterday, that would have been unacceptable.  I would have thought it some sort of a failure. Today, not so much.  I remember when I’d work myself to exhaustion and at the end of the day, after getting everything done, my reward was fatigue, resentment, anxiety and a clear slate to begin the next day. How arduous. There had been no blue ribbon, no trophy to put in a box for the attic. Today, looking back, I’m not proud of the old me for trading in the little things for a list of “done” My work ethic was never questioned by anyone but me! My kids didn’t cherish my completed list of arbitrary, self directed tasks each day. And now, as I am older and I choose to look back, I wonder  if I’d  made myself so “busy” so that I just  didn’t have  the time to wonder or wish for better…for joy…I wonder if, then, I even thought it would be possible. So I worked, and I worked and I missed so much of my babies growing up.  I wish I’d have read to them around the Christmas tree. I wish that I would’ve gotten the paint out more often, made cookies, played with the toys Santa had brought.  I wish I’d have slowed down.  To FEEL what really needed to be done. I needed to feel the time passing…not just notice that it had passed.

So, today, yes, I’m scratching much from my to-do list. I have my babies coming to visit and I’m going to savor every breath of it. This is the best of life. Sharing and loving and learning from the lessons taught to me by my younger self. It’s all part of the dance. I can’t change what was, but I can sure create an amazing today.  I’m so excited and grateful that I get the chance.