I wonder if I wait for just a little while…maybe…maybe my heart will feel lighter. It’s dark outside my window and I swear, as I sit here, in my writing chair…that darkness is trying with all of its might to seep inside…any way that it can. So the first task of the day is to keep the darkness outside, where it belongs. All things are possible when my day begins with a hot cup of coffee, the comforting smell of French Vanilla is keeping the darkness at bay.

I lit the fireplace and Chico is in position, laying on his side, soaking up the heat.  All is well, from his perspective, now….to work on my own.  It can feel like a huge game of tug of war…this life of mine. Sometimes I’m dressed for battle, ready to take on anyone that wants a turn…and sometimes, times like right now…I’d really rather curl up in a ball and wake up when everything feels right again. I know that can’t happen…I mean, curling up in a ball…that never works. And if I want things to feel right, I know that I’m the only one that make that happen.  I guess maybe everyone takes their turn at this… at some point in their lives. I’ve, certainly, been here before. It feels like being powerless…it’s  the feeling of someone else taking the wheel and leaving you the sum total of the wreckage they’ve made with their choices. And with no roadmap I have only a compass to find my way out. The feeling like I’ve been here before gives me plenty of hope. “I’ve been there and done that” and came out of it stronger and wiser than before, so I’ll start there.

This morning my mother is in the hospital again. Each time this happens my heart twists so tightly that I can hardly take a breath.  She is 83 years old and is so tired and weak…and I’m not there with her. According to the doctors here, I can’t take a COVID test because I don’t have any symptoms and haven’t been around anyone that is sick…their advice is to stay away from my mother right now. And that….is why I have this huge, unmoving lump in my throat…and it squeezes the tears up….all the way up from my heart.  

Knowing that none of this will help anyone or anything, I need to change into my battle gear. I will finish this cup of coffee and get to work on myself. I need to change gears and start to get grateful, right now.  I need to see my mom sitting in her favorite chair, smiling as I walk into the room. I hear her voice as she cracks some witty comment and makes us all laugh.  She is rolling her eyes at some news anchor and calling someone names, like they can hear her from her chair.  I see her as a young woman, with three little girls, smiling as we all fight over the last meatball. I see her with her grandbabies, all of them running all over the room on Christmas morning. I feel her arms holding me while I cried and reminding me that things always get better. That the noise will never get too loud if we can turn it into music.  No matter what….

And she is right…again.

I want to be there with my mom, this morning. I can’t. And, no, I don’t like the feeling of being beaten and helpless…none of us do. When this happens, I set my timer to allow myself just a little bit of grace.  I know that tears, when I allow them the time to fall, help my heart to heal.  I, also, know that it can become way too easy to stay there, in sadness…to feel inclined to just pitch a tent, put my feet up and stay…I can’t do that, either.

But I can be so grateful that my sister is there with her. She is getting the care that she needs and she knows how much I love her. I send her all healing prayers and I send to everyone that loves her…the peace that comes from knowing that all is as it should be.  There is a season for all things under the sun. I have to know she will be well again. She always finds her way back. And I pray that she does it again. How I love her.

I don’t think that any of us know the power that we have, especially when we feel powerLESS. I’m thankful that I get a glimpse of that.  I’m going to take baby steps today until I feel better and I’ll start with this cup of coffee. As a bonus I can always count on the snuggles of my fat Chihuahua. I’ll ready for the day and wait for word of what’s happening in Elkhart.  In the words of my mother, I will trust that everything will get better…and with the help of James Taylor, and the glass in my studio, I’ll turn it all into music.